17 January 2009
100. Meh! Damn Kids, Get Off My Lawn
Since I try to keep negativity out of these shitty hash trashes, most of the stupidity d'erectly below has previously gone unsaid. So for #100, here’s a self-serving, arrogant and condescending look at some of the more unpleasant crap that's been swirling around in my half-mind. This worthless garbage is not worth reading and should be ignored by everyone.
On Complaining and Whining
The good part about hashing is that we can all be ourselves and say what we want. But does that give people the right to be assholes? After you say something negative at a hash, ask yourself this question: “Did my blathering help make the world a better place or just piss someone off?” Every last thought doesn’t have to come spilling out of your mouth. You can be a hasher and still show some restraint. Treat others like you want to be treated. It’s not that difficult.
Irony #1: Beer makes some people complain more. And we lose more Beermeisters to complaining than anything else. I think this is called Biting the Hand that Feeds You.
Irony #2: By complaining about complainers, I myself have become a complainer.
On Other Hashes
You’re frustrated because Hash A doesn’t do what Hash B does, and Hash C just decided to stop doing X, Y and Z. Change is tough. I get it. Quick response: If this stuff really annoys you, you’re not drinking enough. More accurate response: Every hash is different. And just because you think your hash is better, doesn’t mean other groups think so. In fact, somebody probably started a new hash because they hated yours so much. So unless you’re in Mismanagement, take what you can get, or start your own kennel. Good luck. It’s a lot of work.
On Haring
I’m stunned by the number of people who say I’m too anal about the trails I hare. My first haring was a 10-mile Darkside. I scouted for days, went over everything in my brain countless times, ran the trail backwards and forwards. Then on the actual day, I made one mistake and fucked the pack. That’s all it takes. One lousy mistake. This has taught me one important thing: If you can avoid a potential problem, take time to do it. There will be plenty of mistakes that still crop up that are out of your control.
Still want to tell me I’m anal? Sure, go ahead and scout your trail using only Google’s satellite view. Do an all-street trail and prelay it from your car. Blow off the water stop in the middle of your 7-mile summertime death march. But please don’t ignore all the complaints you get at the end of your shitty trail and then criticize me for the way I do things. It makes you look like an immense shithead.
By the way, one of the best things you can do while laying trail is to look behind you every once in a while, to make sure you’re laying enough marks. If you can’t see your last marks looking backward, the pack won’t see your marks as they’re running forward. Then every mark turns into a check.
On Garmin
A GPS? Great for scouting.
The main thing you need to know before you pony up the cash: A GPS is nothing more than an expensive toy. Like any other product with a metric fuckton of features, be ready for one of those features to fail right after the warranty expires. A Garmin repair will run into the triple digits; so sometimes it makes more sense to spend a little more and upgrade.
Garmin products are fantastic, but the web support is atrocious and very few people at retail stores will be able to answer your questions. And when you try to learn anything from the internet, you’ll run into more MISinformation than anything factual.
If you only have $300 to spend, and the GPS unit alone is $299, don’t bother. That’s like buying a DVD player and not having enough money to buy the movies. You need extras like the screen protector, leather case, handlebar mount, or even the $100 street DVD.
Yes, I’m a power-user, but even if you’re not, expect to be frustrated by the crazy amount of time it takes to set everything up. You have to be creative and patient while troubleshooting. Never use Garmin’s toll-free tech support number. Use their local one and you’ll get through a lot faster.
The crappy DVD unlock codes aren’t due to Garmin’s corporate greed. A handful of cartography companies supply the U.S. street maps to everyone, and the company Garmin uses makes the rules regarding usage restrictions. That said, don’t go out and blindly buy extra copies of a map DVD for your extra GPS units. Different DVDs have different restrictions. My street DVD granted two unlock codes for two separate units, and my Topo DVD had no restrictions at all. The huge joke here is that the restrictions aren’t spelled out on the packaging, or online. More work for you.
On the “Blog” Called “The Adventures of Diddy’s Mug”
I realize it’s annoying when you’re moving down the page while following the story, but then have to keep moving back UP the page to get to the next post. The person who was going to build my actual website backed out. Try to wipe away your tears of frustration and move on. I realize there are very few other places out there where you can see human males sticking their dicks into drinking vessels, but I’m sure with 154,738,519,370 porn sites out there, you can find something equally as strange but more organized to gawk at.
On Blogs
This used to be a free website where I posted hash trashes. But apparently I’m not a writer anymore. I’m a “blogger.” Well, maybe I don’t want to be lumped in with a bunch of people who breathlessly run to their computers to share that they love toast, and then repost this fascinating revelation so they can add the new smiley emoticon they just got off the Uber-Official Smiley Emoticon Forum. I’m not lovingly crafting an intimate public diary here, folks. You know I shave my taint, but that’s about it.
Is “smiley emoticon” redundant?
On Poetry
Speaking of intimate public writing, a lot of poetry is personal. It has meaning for you, but it might not have meaning for anyone else. So don’t get upset if you share your randomly structured innermost thoughts with people and they get confused or feign appreciation. If you want to share something that’s meaningful to everyone, flash your genitalia.
On Being a Hasher
There are people who were born to be among us. Some of them find hashing, some of them never do. Then there are hashers who have been among us a very long time, who still don’t do a very good job of it. The calendar doesn’t make you a good hasher. You have to “get it” and embrace the hash mentality. Real hashers don’t lay white powder in front of a police station and then get defensive when they’re called out for it. Real hashers doesn’t say “Well, I was hashing before dirt was created” and expect to get a blow job. And real hashers don’t post nude photos of other hashers online. If you need to use your knowledge of this underground group to feel superior to your non-hasher friends, then you’re not a true hasher. You’re pathetic. Maybe even an immense shithead.
On Drama
Here’s how drama works in the hash: Booze gets consumed and a good time is had by all. Then more booze is consumed and people hook up. Then even more booze is consumed and people start getting obnoxious and jealous and bulletproof. What you end up with is broken property, broken promises and (violins, please) broken hearts. Oh, and cross-pollination. Even when sober, many people don’t handle drama well, and the longer the same people are together in a hash, the longer the soap opera stretches on. If you’re traveling, you might not pick up on the drama right away. But as you return to your favorite out-of-town hash more often, you might even become a player in this little psychological disaster. My sophomoric opinion: there’s no way to stop the drama. All you can do is handle it the best way you know how.
On Communication
Time and time again, I’ve realized that the Holy Grail of Relationships is communication. That includes dealing with friends and that drama shit; not just significant others. And when you think you’ve communicated too much, you’ll still realize later on that you haven’t communicated enough.
On Apologizing
It’s difficult, but an apology goes a long way. In most cases, admitting you’re wrong actually makes you look smarter than if you had kept your mouth shut. I’ll translate that in case it didn’t register: Apologizing = you’re an adult. Not apologizing = you’re a two-year-old who just shit his pants and got caught playing with his boogers with one hand, while stealing cookies out of the secret jar with the other hand. And all he can do is run away and cry, trying to hide in a corner, tears flowing and nose running. Hey, more snot to play with.
On Traditions
I know your hash has traditions, but please try to go with the flow. The most hated hasher I’ve ever run across lives thousands of miles from me. He’s an old-timer who has clung to the concept of blowing an extremely loud whistle at each and every mark, and the look of concentration and determination in his eyes is a mix of disturbing and fascinating. R*nning next to him on trail is a near-unfathomable level of annoying. EVERYONE hates this guy. Maybe if he took off his blinders and took cues from others around him, or paid attention to how he was being treated, he’d understand that the hash is bigger than his stubbornness, and he should give up his dream of forcing everyone to conform to the little nirvana he’s created inside his withered little brain. If he woke up and smelled the flowers, maybe he’d notice the two butterflies fucking on one of the petals.
Moral: watching butterfly porn is more enjoyable than your incessant, ear-splitting tradition.
On Government
I know people who love to complain about how things are run. Maybe there’s a New York law banning a certain type of artery-clogging fat, or there’s a San Francisco initiative banning outdoor smoking. Maybe the country allows illegal immigrants to cross our borders, or has burned through trillions of dollars on a war. It’s good to be aware that these things are happening, so you can have a perspective on where you live, but being bitter is going to do you no good. It’s sort of like the old-timer with the annoying whistle who doesn’t realize the hash has grown beyond his influence. Look at the country as a giant hamster wheel with 305 million of us on it. With or without you, the wheel is going to keep moving. You’re just wasting energy being annoyed at things you can’t control. It’s like building a billion-dollar energy-generating wind turbine and then not plugging it into the power grid. Want to make a real difference? Vote. Write to a senator. Start a website to educate people. Or if you want to truly be effective, start focusing on some positive aspects of your life and build on those instead. This way, when I talk to you, you’ll have something interesting to say, and I won’t feel like gouging my eyes out with a spork.
On America
You have to drive across the country to fully understand how large it is. Flying won’t do the trick. Put it this way: The U.S. is almost the same size as Europe. Our pals over in Great Britain live in a country smaller than Oregon. If it takes you 15 minutes to walk a mile, and you could walk 8 hours a day, it would take you 3 1/2 months to walk from one corner of America to the other.
And like I mentioned earlier, there are currently about 305 million people living here. One way to think about that: Hold a dollar in your hand. It’s about 1 gram. Now multiply that by 305 million, and suddenly you’ve exceeded the maximum weight that 8 tractor trailers can haul.
Line up 305 million people where each person only gets a 2-foot space to squeeze in to, and the line would wrap around the equator 4 1/2 times. To get everyone lined up from Los Angeles to New York, you’d have to have your line, and 40 identical lines next to you, all the way across the country. With numbers this big, even the perspective is difficult to grasp.
On Truckers
Truckers understand the size of America. With that understanding comes the realization that the huge metropolis where you live is still pretty insignificant. So when they come driving through, they hate us for cutting them off as much as we hate them for clogging our roads. To many people who drive long distances, a busy city is a relative speed bump; nothing more than a fly that won’t stop bothering you for an hour. You might think of your stretch of interstate as your own personal roadway, but in reality, you’re only borrowing the space between a few exits. Interstate 10 isn’t just a way to get from west Jacksonville, Florida to downtown… it’s a 2,500-mile beast that cuts through forests, over rivers and across a giant desert all the way to Santa Monica, California. And without truckers, there would be very little for us to buy at those convenient things called “stores.” Trucks get our shit from the train stations, docks, warehouses and fields. And some of them even deliver shit right to our doorstep.
On Babies
I have a humble request. When I zone out over a shiny object, please refrain from making fun of me because I describe it was “the coolest thing ever” That way, I won’t have to call you out for saying “Oooohhhh, (s)he’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.” Your baby hyperbole is tiring. Practically every single pooping machine is cute when they’re not crying. The words “baby” and “cute” are practically synonyms.
And this is why I’ll be the last person to flock around your child and start cooing. Babies: Seen ‘em. Congratulations on your bundle of joy, and I’ll be there for you when you need a Bad Uncle so you can have a few minutes of quiet bliss; just don’t expect me to talk baby talk. Because I’m not going to be responsible for your rug rat’s developmental problems.
On Furry Animals
Do you kill insects? You wish the rats in your basement would die a horrible death? If you answered “yes” to either of those, I have a third question for you… How would you feel if your neighbor made it a habit of shooting and killing squirrels or stray cats?
If that murderous scenario makes you cringe, you might be valuing life based on cuteness. A squirrel is a rat with a furry tail and a penchant for precious eating habits. Both rodents have a heartbeat and feel pain.
No, I’m not a member of PETA. I just hate squirrels. And furry cuteness.
On TV
You go through withdrawals for a couple weeks if you cancel your cable/dish account. But I’m telling you, turning off the television is the second-best decision I’ve ever made, right behind finding the hash.
On News
Even if you don’t watch the news, I’m assuming you still talk to people, so you’ve probably gathered that most news is negative. Local news leads you to believe that people are getting shot and killed faster than we can breed them into existence. National news leads you to believe that every female teacher is out for sex with her male students. That’s because the news doesn’t have time to give you the necessary perspective. They have an hour to tell you what’s going on, and the grab-bag of stories comes from this gigantic country of ours.
In 2008, a toddler named Caylee Anthony grabbed the nation’s attention when the media found out it took her mother a month to report her missing. And that was just the beginning of the real-life soap opera that gradually unfolded. It didn’t take long for the news networks to realize that they got a ratings spike every time they reported on it. Notice I didn’t say that the media force-fed us the daily Caylee updates. No matter what you believe, the news is a push-pull business, and the proof is ratings. Happy news doesn’t keep a network afloat.
Try to fill an hour with happy news. To boil it down, you’d have two choices: you can show pictures of bunnies and kittens, or show people overcoming adversity. To highlight the doctor fighting cancer, you still have to talk about cancer. To focus on the soldier who learned to walk again after his crippling injury, you still have to talk about the injury and the war, to prove how brave he is. This all goes back to what makes a story an actual story, and you can learn it in any creative-writing class: Conflict. Without conflict, there is no story, and conflict is not always flowers, sunshine and copulating butterflies.
On Laws and Lawsuits
One big piece of the American hamster wheel is the legal system. We’re flooded with news of stupid lawsuits and soundbites of blustering lawmakers grandstanding on Capitol Hill. There’s one thing to keep in mind: when you see a story about an insane lawsuit or arrest, you’re not always witnessing an example of a system that’s broken; you could be witnessing a system at work.
A great example of this is high school girls getting naked and sending cell-phone pictures of themselves to teenage boys. Some of these teenagers are getting arrested and charged with having or distributing child porn. Many people would find it insane that the system would take a law meant to protect kids from old perverts and use it to bust hormonal kids getting photos of their same-age girlfriends. This isn’t child porn, it’s peer porn. But two factors are at work here: 1) Technology is always one step ahead of the law and 2) teenagers are dealing with uncharted territory when it comes to that technology. Teenagers a generation ago wouldn’t have collected their naked pictures, printed 1,000 copies of a magazine and distributed them to everyone at school. But now, kids have the power to do the same thing with a couple clicks of a cell phone. The boyfriend sends the pic to his friends, his friends send it along, and all of a sudden, peer porn gets into the hands of that old pervert. Tada. Child porn. A bunch of kids get convicted, and one fights the charge. He wins and sets precedent for everyone else. So then lawmakers are forced to rewrite a law or create a new one to stem this new way of distributing naked photos of young girls. Is the system to blame because some fuckstick couldn’t keep the naked picture of his girlfriend to himself? Thanks, asshole. You ruined it for the rest of us.
On Studies and Trends
Here are two things I won’t defend news on. If two similar events happen anywhere, it’s not a “coincidence,” it’s “an alarming trend.” Two people get busted for pot at a Jimmy Buffett concert and suddenly pot smoking is an “alarming new trend.”
Also, every study is treated as gospel. If a couple of researchers worked with a couple of rats and found that they walked through a maze faster after sipping an extremely concentrated form of blueberry extract, by the time it gets to the anchor’s mouth, Blueberries Make You Smarter. Nevermind that a human would have to eat 600 pounds of blueberries to get the same result.
This is also why Chocolate is Good for You. What those chocolate studies really said was Hey, Something in Chocolate isn’t Incredibly Bad for You and You Can Get the Same Results By Eating a Lettuce Leaf. But that’s not sexy. I’m not saying it’s always the fault of news. When you have a tiny study, and it’s released to a medical journal, it’s still not fit for human consumption. Some place like the Associated Press distills it down and throws a catchy lead on it, then the people in news get it, easily misinterpret it themselves, and by the time it’s down to the necessary 30 seconds, all the caveats are thrown out the window. I’m talking about acknowledgement that the study was very small, or that the questionable study was only released in hopes other, actually accurate studies would follow.
Myths, Fakes and Scares
Every shithead on the planet now has access to a camera, Photoshop, a webpage and e-mail. ANYONE can lie. Did you get a forwarded e-mail in your inbox about a five-legged donkey with no anus? Actually, that one was true, but consider the rest of your forwards false until you’ve seen it somewhere reputable or at least checked snopes.com.
I’ve started lumping these fakes into the same category as scares. It all boils down to an amazing lack of common sense and a wild overabundance of gullibility.
Is there a miracle way to make gobs of money from home? Unlikely. Poke around on the internet for a few minutes and you can find tons of articles on money-from-home scams. It’s frightening. Want money? Just spend less than you earn. Sorry lottery players, there is no easy way.
So is there an easy way to lose weight while eating cookies? Everyone knows the answer is “no,” but so many people still try because everyone’s looking for an easy way out. And all the diet books out there are playing into that desire. Embrace a high-protein diet? Sure. Because eating fruit, vegetables and whole grains seriously sucks compared to gulping down steak, eggs and cheese. Should you have known that pumping your body full of protein is bad for your kidneys? Not necessarily. No one signs up for every single major in college. But the real weight solution is always floating out there: Eat less, exercise more.
The trick is to take life a step further and question things that don't seem to make sense on the surface. Here’s a classic health scare: you will wither away to nothing if you don’t drink 8 glasses of water a day. Problems: 1) the term “glass” is vague, 2) everyone weighs different amounts and 3) everyone exercises at different levels. Here’s a more accurate health suggestion: “the average human needs 150 micrograms of iodine a day.” A little poking around on the internet reveals that some random dipshit created the 8-glass rule as a guideline and it spread unchecked.
How about red wine? OK, fine, not everything in it is BAD for you. Yes, there are little things swimming around in red wine that contain health benefits. But it's ALCOHOL. And alcohol is a poison. And those little things are also found in fruits and vegetables. Drink wine if you want, but don't live in denial. I'm not a buzzkill because I call alcohol a poison. Hey, I drink it. It's just a medical fact.
Believe nothing. Question everything.
One night in high school, I had all I could take with the arguments over what was a shot: 1 ounces, 1 1/4 ounces or 1 1/2 ounces. Quick math gave me the concrete answer: 1 1/2 ounces is a shot of 80-proof liquor. And a little more math led to me to find out that a 12-ounce beer equals a full shot IF the beer has 5% alcohol. And that led me to blow up the one-drink-is-four-ounces-of-wine myth, which is one of biggest liquor myths in existence. Wine is different proofs, so sometimes, one drink is less than four ounces, sometimes it's five ounces. Why does this matter? Because some people base their drinking and driving on that myth, as well as another myth that states everyone can burn off one drink per hour. Have fun with that DUI.
Do you think that keychain breathalyzer will help you? Nope. Throw it out. Seriously.
On Traveling Overseas
Europe. South America. Asia. I get it. History that we American’s can’t even imagine. Different, fascinating cultures. Our pathetic 200-something-year-old buildings pale in comparison to the Great Pyramids and the Coliseum. How can you even say you’ve SEEN art until you’ve experienced The Louvre? And who wouldn’t want to eat fermented cabbage in the Kimchi Motherland?
Me.
I’m sorry, but it’s not something I’ve had the money to think about yet. You know, that whole Spend Within Your Means thing? I just don’t feel like blowing that much money and spending that much time in airports and on planes so I can say I caught a cold while at a London pub, nestled between a Starbucks and a McDonalds, where I spent 12 bucks on a pint of some English beer that I can get here at Prince of Wales within stumbling distance of my house.
Oddly, this sarcastic logic isn’t enough for some people. So I let them know that some of my reasoning for not being more interested in traveling abroad is the negative stories they themselves bring back with them. And then I bring up the fact that I’ve never gotten bored traveling in my own country, and even though I’ve seen so much here, there’s still so much more to experience. I mention how big our country is, and point out how few suicide bombers have set off explosives here. And all these disappointed people do is shake their heads and say “you just don’t get it.”
So for some reason, this has become the one topic I can’t have a differing opinion on. There is only one answer I must accept: I have to love travel and be ashamed of myself for not joining the club. After all the times I’ve looked the other way when you’ve thrown up on your shoes, filled your brain with inaccurate facts and proven your complete inability to hold up your end of a intellectual conversation, I’m still not allowed a pass on this one. OK, I’ll accept that. And I won’t even make fun of you when you can’t remember what the capital of Wyoming is.
Finally...
On Old People
I’m actually hearing people MY OWN AGE complaining about “kids these days.” These durn whippersnappers, straight out of college, demanding things from their bosses and taking afternoons off. Please, for the love of whatever Holy Person you worship… take a deep breath and read this:
Times Change. People Adapt. Things Aren’t Always Getting Worse. They’re Just Getting Different.
The people out of college right now are looking at the rest of us saying “Hey fucknuts… just because YOUR generations were too stupid to ban together and get workers’ rights, don’t think we’re a bunch of slackers.”
That generation way back there created TV, and now these same geezers are complaining about kids watching too much of it. These crotchety windbags also think the world is coming to an end because people currently don’t get married when they’re 18. And “Oh, Sweet Mother of God, this generation nowadays is killing itself off with meth and crime.” Well, I have news for you grandpa, your generation had Hitler, who killed millions of Jews. (Don’t forget the millions killed in Vietnam.) You got back from World War II and beat grandma if she didn’t serve dinner hot enough. Your generation had separate bathrooms and drinking fountains for certain people because they had darker skin. Oh, and before I forget, the only reason you got married early was because you were expected to, and I guess I’m just a little hesitant to jump into holy blissful matrimony right out of high school when I notice that your generation’s divorce rate is 50 percent.
People are getting all blustery now because of gay marriage. And guess what will happen in 50 years when I’m all old and whiny? All the “damn kids” around me are going to say “Hey, Mr. L&F, is it true that a long time ago, gay people weren’t even allowed to get married? You were a bunch of idiots.” And then I’ll turn to these little snotty bastards and say “Meh, take off your jet pack and walk to school like I had to. You know, I had to type on a fucking keyboard in school. All you lazy fuckers have to do now is talk to your hologram notebook.”
One last thing. This new century isn’t Sodom and Gomorrah because kids have access to porn. Kids have access to EVERYTHING. They’re being inundated with information and technology, and they’re learning how to deal with it, just like their parents and the government are learning how to control it. But Grandpa can’t realize all this because he’s too busy changing his colostomy bag and pining for the days of the rotary phone.
Oh yeah, I feel better.
On On to 101.
# posted by L&F @ 12:11 PM 
16 January 2009
99. How to Make a Liquor Luge
2012 Update:
Thanks to all you drunks for making this page the #1 return on Google for "Liquor Luge." Now get your friends wasted.
What is a Liquor Luge?
It’s a slanted block of ice with curved channels carved across the top. The higher end is the drop-off point for your booze and the other end where you stick your pie hole. You’ll hear Liquor Luges called other things like Ice Luges, Luge Shots, Booze Luges, Shot Slides, etc.
Buying an Ice Block
Find an ice manufacturer that sells blocks versus just cubes for restaurants. Try to get one that’s at least two feet long and rectangular as opposed to square, since you’ll need more travel distance than thickness.
Buying a Pre-Made Ice Luge
These are pre-made, triangular and expensive as hell. I wouldn’t suggest this route, since part of the coolness is people watching you create your own. No kidding... I've seen people turn into rock stars because they set up and carved their own luges. Save your money for the liquor.
Buying a Plastic Luge Mold
You can usually get these for $25 or less. The cool part is that you can take the block out, flip the mold over and put the ice block on top. That's all you do and you’re ready to go. Unfortunately, these molds are too small for my taste, and having this smallish block on top of a plastic stand makes the whole thing look like a child’s party toy. I have too much pride to use these.
Making a Homemade Block
You’ll need a freezer. Chest freezers work best. As for standard fridge/freezers, the top/bottom freezers work better than side-by-side because you have the correct dimensions to work with. Get some sort of plastic storage bin that fits. If your bin is too tall for your freezer, you can always cut away the top part of the bin, since your block doesn’t need to be too thick. Only freeze 1 or 2 inches of water at a time. Once that water freezes, add more. Remember: water weighs 8 pounds per gallon. Your final block will be heavy, so be careful getting it out once it’s done. If you’re using a chest freezer, consider using straps to lift it out. Too much trouble? Remember: you'll be a rock star.
Transporting Your Block
If you’re not going to be using your ice block right away, you’ll need a big cooler to store it in. If you’re picking up your block at an ice maker, make sure the cooler is big enough before you leave.
Setting Up the Luge
If you’re setting up the luge inside your house, line the floor with some plastic sheeting because there will definitely be some meltage. Take the block and put it on some sort of table. If you’re at a campsite, a wooden picnic table works well. If you don’t plan on carving an angle out of your ice block (this takes a while and requires a thicker block to start with), prop up the end of the block where you're going to be pouring. You can use a brick or something else that won't roll around. The change in elevation doesn't have to be drastic. For the end where people will be drinking, it's good to have the block near the edge of the table. You might have to find some way to keep the block from sliding off the table and falling to the ground. Example: If you're using a picnic table, you can shove a stick between the wooden slats of the table and butt the block up against the stick. You could also creatively use bungee cords, ratcheting strips, vice grips, etc. Now you’re ready to cut.
Your Knife
If you’re only cutting channels, you can use a hunting knife or a strong pocket knife. My favorite knife? The Gerber EVO, which weighs less than 3 ounces and has a blade around 3 1/2 inches long. It’s half-serrated and is almost big enough to look like a cross between a pocket knife and a hunting knife. It’s also coated with titanium nitride for corrosion resistance. Note: Gerber's not paying me for the shameless plug.
Cutting the Channels
I'm always paranoid about the very tip of the knife breaking off, so I normally wear sunglasses or non-nerdy biker goggles while cutting. If you want only one channel, make it snake down the block, but make sure the curves are rather gentle or you'll end up having to carve them super-deep. You'll get the hang of it. If you want multiple channels, carve them a little straighter. I wouldn't carve more than two. Put your mouth over the bottom of a channel for a dry-run and remember the spot where your bottom lip was located. Take your knife and carve out a space for your bottom lip at that exact spot. It helps a lot. With a test-person ready to drink at the bottom of the block, pour a shot slowly at first to make sure the liquid runs smoothly all the way down the channel. Recarve questionable spots.
Decoration
If you're making the luge in your freezer, you can add some small pieces of stuff between the layers. If you’re using the luge at night, put some sort of light underneath the block. You'll have room for the light where the brick or other item props up the pouring end of the block. For a really cool effect, use one of those multi-colored LED lights that cycle through different colors automatically.
Drinking
Pouring into an ice channel is the same as pouring into a shot glass. So if your bottle has a pouring spout on it, you’ll have less spillage.
If you bought your block from an ice manufacturer, you might notice that after luging for a while, the liquid will find random vertical holes and run straight down to the table instead of down the channel. Carry a semi-unripe banana with you and use the banana flesh to plug the holes. We've found that works better than any non-food item.
Drinking cream-based shots can leave tiny chunks along the channels, so you might want to wipe them out if you move on to another type of booze.
# posted by L&F @ 10:44 AM
