05 November 2005
11. Masturbation: The Screenplay
Atlanta H4 - 27 August 2003
[On the Smartline set with Kent Brockman, seconds before they go live. Kent’s producer speaks to him through his earpiece]
Kent: Where’s my danish? I’m not going on if I don’t have my danish!
Producer: 10 seconds
[Studio Grunt finally runs in, past the departing Makeup Grunt and hands Kent a day-old pastry]
Kent [muttering]: D@mn network.
Producer: 3... 2... 1...
Kent [smirking into camera]: Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and we’re LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia for this edition of SMARTLINE. Tonight, we’re speaking with a person only known as Random Hasher. He’s an insider of an under-ground movement known as Hashing. And apparently, it’s causing quite a stir ABOVE ground. Welcome.
Random: Thanks Kent.
Kent : So, Random... I understand you just came from a hash a couple hours ago. What exactly IS hashing?
Random [pauses]: Um... it’s about beer, Kent.
Kent: I also heard there’s some RUNNING involved. Would this running be the way you GET to the beer?
Random [slowly leaning toward microphone]: Yes. [Slowly leans back into his chair.]
Kent [after realizing that will be the extent of the answer]: And is this beer what’s spawning such a worldwide interest?
Random [slowly leaning toward the microphone again]: Yes. [Leans back again.]
Kent: Um... I also understand it’s spawning worldwide CONTROVERSY.
Random [more leaning]: Yes.
Kent: Interesting. Interesting.
Producer: You’re dying! Hit him with something!
Kent [desperately looking down at his notes]: Um... so Random, I understand you MASTURBATED on trail today.
Random [suddenly perking up]: Oh yeah, Kent. It was great! I whipped it out and took care of business right there on trail.
Kent: So is this normal hashing activity?
Random: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s NORMAL. We just had a couple interesting hares, and I got excited.
Kent: Hares...
Random [talking faster]: Yeah, they’re the people who LAY the trail. They go out through various parts of the city, marking a trail for everyone else to follow. Today, the hares were Lost Cause and Thar She Blows.
Kent: And they got you excited? What prompted such a personal SPURT of energy?
Random [sitting up straight with eyes getting wider]: Well, they laid the first part of the trail through some street, and it was hot and all. But there wasn’t that much of it, and they saved the best for last. We call it shiggy, Kent.
Kent: Shiggy...
Random: Yeah, there’s a few definitions, but overall, it’s stuff that gets you dirty or cut up or wet. And I was getting dirty. And I LOVE getting dirty. Some other hashers had just passed me, and I liked the way they looked. They were shapely in all the right places, and they were getting dirty, too. I was getting hot and bothered by all of it, and I figured, what the hell. No point in keeping it in, if you know what I mean.
Kent: [laughing nervously]: Sounds dirty to me.
Random: That’s the great part about hashing, Kent. You can do anything you want and most people will still talk to you.
Kent: So choking the chicken is normal Hashing activity?
Random: I wouldn’t say THAT. But hey, people have sex on trail. Why not solo sex? [Laughs.]
Kent: So back to this shiggy...
Random: Um. Oh yeah. So we run through this office park and all of a sudden, it’s all forest. It was funny, because at one point, we saw through the tree line to the apartments on the left, but the hares were able to keep us away from all of that. We circled around and did some hilly stuff to a power cut. All of a sudden, I’m in the middle of the power cut, and I see a YBF.
Producer: 90 seconds, Kent.
Kent [who only likes 90-second time cues]: YBF?
Random: Yeah, "You’ve Been F’ed." I can’t say the whole word, I don’t think. It was a false trail. In the middle of this massive patch of briars. I go back to the edge of the power cut and look across this creek to the OTHER side of the power cut, and I SEE the trail on the other side. But I was going to have to climb down to the creek and up into briars that are as deep as my chest. Either that, or I could go backwards into the forest a little bit and find the true trail. Needless to say, I went back into the forest. Well, that’s when I saw everyone blowing by me. I got worked up and. . . started working it.
Kent: No one saw you?
Random: No. I stepped aside a little. It was pretty thick in there, and I was far enough away not to be noticed. It turns out, we were in the middle of swamp land. But it was all dry, 'cause it’s summer and all. I could still tell what it was because it was muddy. I busted a nut right there. After that, it was a little more forest, around a lake, through some hilly shiggy and there was the end. All the beer I could drink.
Kent: So you guys drink a lot?
Random: Yup. But we usually don’t run out, so it’s all good.
Kent: So tell me, how did they find out about your little extracurricular activity?
Random: Oh, I let it slip out at the end. We were all standing around having this fascinating conversation about porn and...
Kent: Fascinating conversation about porn? As opposed to a BORING conversation about porn?
Random [laughs]: Yeah. [Laughs again.] Anyway, we’re talking about porn and cum shots and all that, and I said I can normally shoot about 2 feet. Something like "Yeah, on trail just now I..." and I sort of stopped. But it was too late. I think they might rename me now.
Kent: Well, that sounds like a whole new story. We’ll get to that after this quick word from Duff Beer. I’m Kent Brockman, and you’re watching SMARTLINE.
[On the Smartline set with Kent Brockman, seconds before they go live. Kent’s producer speaks to him through his earpiece]
Kent: Where’s my danish? I’m not going on if I don’t have my danish!
Producer: 10 seconds
[Studio Grunt finally runs in, past the departing Makeup Grunt and hands Kent a day-old pastry]
Kent [muttering]: D@mn network.
Producer: 3... 2... 1...
Kent [smirking into camera]: Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and we’re LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia for this edition of SMARTLINE. Tonight, we’re speaking with a person only known as Random Hasher. He’s an insider of an under-ground movement known as Hashing. And apparently, it’s causing quite a stir ABOVE ground. Welcome.
Random: Thanks Kent.
Kent : So, Random... I understand you just came from a hash a couple hours ago. What exactly IS hashing?
Random [pauses]: Um... it’s about beer, Kent.
Kent: I also heard there’s some RUNNING involved. Would this running be the way you GET to the beer?
Random [slowly leaning toward microphone]: Yes. [Slowly leans back into his chair.]
Kent [after realizing that will be the extent of the answer]: And is this beer what’s spawning such a worldwide interest?
Random [slowly leaning toward the microphone again]: Yes. [Leans back again.]
Kent: Um... I also understand it’s spawning worldwide CONTROVERSY.
Random [more leaning]: Yes.
Kent: Interesting. Interesting.
Producer: You’re dying! Hit him with something!
Kent [desperately looking down at his notes]: Um... so Random, I understand you MASTURBATED on trail today.
Random [suddenly perking up]: Oh yeah, Kent. It was great! I whipped it out and took care of business right there on trail.
Kent: So is this normal hashing activity?
Random: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s NORMAL. We just had a couple interesting hares, and I got excited.
Kent: Hares...
Random [talking faster]: Yeah, they’re the people who LAY the trail. They go out through various parts of the city, marking a trail for everyone else to follow. Today, the hares were Lost Cause and Thar She Blows.
Kent: And they got you excited? What prompted such a personal SPURT of energy?
Random [sitting up straight with eyes getting wider]: Well, they laid the first part of the trail through some street, and it was hot and all. But there wasn’t that much of it, and they saved the best for last. We call it shiggy, Kent.
Kent: Shiggy...
Random: Yeah, there’s a few definitions, but overall, it’s stuff that gets you dirty or cut up or wet. And I was getting dirty. And I LOVE getting dirty. Some other hashers had just passed me, and I liked the way they looked. They were shapely in all the right places, and they were getting dirty, too. I was getting hot and bothered by all of it, and I figured, what the hell. No point in keeping it in, if you know what I mean.
Kent: [laughing nervously]: Sounds dirty to me.
Random: That’s the great part about hashing, Kent. You can do anything you want and most people will still talk to you.
Kent: So choking the chicken is normal Hashing activity?
Random: I wouldn’t say THAT. But hey, people have sex on trail. Why not solo sex? [Laughs.]
Kent: So back to this shiggy...
Random: Um. Oh yeah. So we run through this office park and all of a sudden, it’s all forest. It was funny, because at one point, we saw through the tree line to the apartments on the left, but the hares were able to keep us away from all of that. We circled around and did some hilly stuff to a power cut. All of a sudden, I’m in the middle of the power cut, and I see a YBF.
Producer: 90 seconds, Kent.
Kent [who only likes 90-second time cues]: YBF?
Random: Yeah, "You’ve Been F’ed." I can’t say the whole word, I don’t think. It was a false trail. In the middle of this massive patch of briars. I go back to the edge of the power cut and look across this creek to the OTHER side of the power cut, and I SEE the trail on the other side. But I was going to have to climb down to the creek and up into briars that are as deep as my chest. Either that, or I could go backwards into the forest a little bit and find the true trail. Needless to say, I went back into the forest. Well, that’s when I saw everyone blowing by me. I got worked up and. . . started working it.
Kent: No one saw you?
Random: No. I stepped aside a little. It was pretty thick in there, and I was far enough away not to be noticed. It turns out, we were in the middle of swamp land. But it was all dry, 'cause it’s summer and all. I could still tell what it was because it was muddy. I busted a nut right there. After that, it was a little more forest, around a lake, through some hilly shiggy and there was the end. All the beer I could drink.
Kent: So you guys drink a lot?
Random: Yup. But we usually don’t run out, so it’s all good.
Kent: So tell me, how did they find out about your little extracurricular activity?
Random: Oh, I let it slip out at the end. We were all standing around having this fascinating conversation about porn and...
Kent: Fascinating conversation about porn? As opposed to a BORING conversation about porn?
Random [laughs]: Yeah. [Laughs again.] Anyway, we’re talking about porn and cum shots and all that, and I said I can normally shoot about 2 feet. Something like "Yeah, on trail just now I..." and I sort of stopped. But it was too late. I think they might rename me now.
Kent: Well, that sounds like a whole new story. We’ll get to that after this quick word from Duff Beer. I’m Kent Brockman, and you’re watching SMARTLINE.
# posted by L&F @ 5:31 PM 
