23 October 2006
73. Dear L&F
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
We haven’t hung out in a while. I miss you. Expect a visit soon.
Love,
Coincidence
Being a quality road whore takes more than a lot of planning and an exceptionally strong liver. It takes luck, too. I made about three years before my luck ran out. More than 100 road trips. Looking back over that three year stretch, I am amazed I avoided all the personal drama that can keep a traveler home weekend after weekend. With my newly created down-time, I’ve found myself trying to figure out how the hell I did it.
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
As a big corporation that has been bought out by an even bigger corporation, I have decided that I am not Office-Space enough. The managers that run me need to be more annoying and your co-workers need to be closer to helmet-wearing retarded. I hear your reviews are accurate. That can’t happen. And what’s this crap about you not getting stuck in hours of meetings every week? You’ll also need to start working on a mind-numbing project that will consume your life for weeks, even though you will end up never getting credit for it. Oh, by the way… you can kiss your annual bonus goodbye.
As if I care,
Your Job
--Get Road-Hard
This isn’t so important if you’re driving a couple hours each way. But when you do 12-hour round trips, you can’t have your brain play tricks on you; you have to play tricks on your brain. If you’re too excited when you leave, you’ll get to the event already fried. That gets better with time, actually. If you’re the type of person that falls asleep in the car, you’ll have to learn how to stay awake. Keeping your mind occupied can work sometimes, while turning off most of your brain can work other times. I’ve written long hash songs in the car to kill time. I also have Sirius Satellite Radio, and I’ve found several channels can keep the pain away for quite a while. Or I zone out; shutting down every part of my brain except for the piece that is watching the road. For really long trips, like 9 hours each way, I try to stop every 100 miles. Overall, I can typically get to 5 hours before I start feeling like I don’t want to drive anymore. In other words, that last hour home from Fayetteville is really rough, especially at 1 on Sunday morning.
--Find a Good Road-Whore Co-Pilot
People get whiny. Or they talk too much. Or they don’t talk enough. You’d be amazed how few people make really good long-term car company. They need to be willing to drive once in a while, and keep up a conversation. Just adding those two things can really help a road trip go by faster. Also, when you have somebody else in the car, they are normally on different mood swings, so they can pick you up when you’re fading out. Good co-pilots will be willing to “hold it” if needed, or be cool with stopping if they don’t need to. Did I mention no whining?
Dear L&F:
Coincidence and I were talking the other day, and he told me you haven’t been involved in a car accident since 1994. He thinks it’s time I get some damage. You don’t need a perfect truck that bad. In fact, Coincidence says it’s just making you complacent. I’m thinking about shaking things up with some sort of traffic drama. Have you ever experienced the joy of getting T-Boned? Get ready for some fun.
Kisses,
Thor
--Never Stop on Weekdays
You’ll now leave work and get as much done as possible so you can free up another weekend. Unfortunately, Monday night’s close to a wash because you’re so damn tired. Thursday night you’ll be getting ready for the weekend because you’re probably leaving straight from work Friday. So that leaves you only Tuesday and Wednesday evenings to do everything you need to. That includes bills, shopping, laundry, home repairs and desperately trying to keep your house from looking like a toilet. I actually had to cancel my DirecTV account so I could avoid the temptation of wasting time in front of the tube.
--Learn to Not Care What Home Base Looks Like
Is your place immaculate? Does everything have a place? Go on six road trips in eight weeks and try to keep that up. You probably won’t, even if you keep yourself busy all week. Think of your new life as a temporary gift from the Hashing Gods, and that sooner or later, you’ll have enough forced down-time to catch up.
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
You’ve been gone so long. I look like hell and parts of me are falling apart. I need attention soon or I’m going to start rebelling.
Sincerely,
Your Condo
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
So I was talking to Thor and your Condo. They want a piece of me. A big piece.
Peace,
Your Bank Account
--Get Rid of Significant Others Who Don’t Like Hashing or Won’t Travel
If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband who doesn’t share in your love of The Cool Kids, how many free weekends do you think you’ll get before the shee-it hee-its the fan? Get good at breaking up. Or grab some divorce papers. Your personal life will be in shambles, but you’ll be to travel whenever you want.
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
Last time we talked on the phone, you had mentioned the shape of your condo, due to the fact that you’ve been on so many road trips. That actually hurt your Mom’s feelings, since she realized you’re away from home all the time but only see us briefly once a year. I think she would appreciate it if you used some of your vacation time and came to see us. I know you’re having fun, and it’s not like we have a foot in the grave, but she did squeeze you out, and you know how much emotion is tied to that Motherly Instinct thing.
Talk to you later,
Dad
--Know Your Limits
I don’t want to sound like your mommy, but hey, sooner or later, binging all the time will catch up with you. And not just because you’ll start getting burned out. There’s the drama linked to drinking yourself into a coma. It took me a full year to decide I needed to set a limit. That was a great year, by the way.
--Learn to Eat Well and Sleep Enough During the Week
Last mommy-type thing. I promise. You can’t have a good weekend if you’re sick. I’ve heard drinking makes people happy and happy people don’t get sick as often. (Is that why hashers are hardly ever sick?) Potential illnesses aside, how can you expect to get no sleep and eat like crap from Friday night all the way through to Sunday if you abused yourself during the week? If you’re worn down before the weekend even starts, life’s gunna suck out of town.
Hey L&F:
What’s with all this bullshit going on? And why aren’t you running anymore? At least go for a walk, you slug. Fuck this mess. I’m outta here.
Your Immune System
--Learn to Pack Fast
Sometimes you won’t have time to casually waltz around your room finding just the right t-shirts, panties and sarongs for your upcoming journey. After a while, you’ll get sick of hearing yourself say “Oh shit, where’s my mug?” or “Where did I put my tent?” I have all my tenting stuff in a bin, always ready to go. And I have extra bathroom crap in a kick-ass bag that allows me to see at a glance if I have everything. I throw my razor in the bag and I’m done.
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
The gang and I were talking and we decided that you’re too efficient. I think we need to make it so everything takes you twice as long as normal. Don’t be surprised if everyone you deal with is suddenly really stupid. And slowwwwwww.
Enjoy,
Time
--Embrace the Three-X Rule
Take the hours of your round trip and multiply it by 3. That’s how many hours you should be able to spend at the event. Any less and the drive back can get really annoying. 3x seems to be long enough to make the pain of the drive up disappear. Example: The drive from Atlanta to Fayettenam is a 12-hour round trip. That would mean we would need to stay up there for 36 hours. And trust me, leaving Friday evening instead of Saturday morning makes a huge difference because we get an extra night of partying.
--Don’t Forget the Locals
You won’t see people in town if you’re gone all the time. Don’t disappear too long. It’s really nice when you can go back to your local hash and not be called a new hasher, or an elitist.
Dear [L&F’s nerd name]:
It’s been so nice seeing you again. It looks like I’ll be around for a while longer. Hope you’re having fun.
Love,
Coincidence
# posted by L&F @ 5:00 PM 
