26 February 2006
62. Baby Showers and Other Manly Things
Carolina Trash H3 - 18 Febeerary 2006 to 19 Febeerary 2006
My cell phone, Saturday night: Ring.
Me, carefully shifting my mug between hands so I can answer and not spill precious beer: Hello?
Spooge: Hey, does Bagless drive a blue van with handicap plates?
Me: Yeah, why?
Spooge: Does he drive a blue van with an On-On sticker and Cobb County plates?
Me: He would probably be the only person on the planet who drives that. I hope that's a Trash sticker. Where are you?
Spooge: In Alabama on I-20. I might be behind him. He's driving really fast.
Me: You don't have his number?
Spooge: No.
Me: I'll call you back.
Me, pushing phone buttons with super-human retard strength: Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop.
Fag Hag, answering Bagless' phone: Hey, [unprintable nerd name]
Me: Yay! Hey, where are you right now?
Fag Hag: In Alabama on I-20. We're coming back from a game.
Me: Well slow down so Spooge can say Hi to you.
Fag Hag: Oh, so HE'S the lunatic behind us.
Me: Yeah. And you know I'm playing middle man from Fayetteville right now. Sweet.
Fucking-A sweet is right. Helping Trashers verbally canoodle at Interstate off-ramps, one gulp of beer at a time.
We got to Trashville about 2pm on Saturday afternoon. Those us with boobs went to Tang's baby shower. And for those of you living under a rock, that's Spooge's better half, and she's almost ready to pop. Those of us without boobs stayed at Tripple Nipple and Yucca's house, warming up the beer pong table. We also did what guys normally do when someone lights a fire at a fire pit: We stand around it and say "Yup" a lot. We were on our 3,539th Yup when the girls started arriving. Now that everyone was together, we were all focused on one goal: Getting fucked up as a way to welcum back Yucca from Afghanistan. I had just learned to count to Two, and that came in handy because that's how many kegs we had at our disposal. Then I had to learn fractions real quick because there was a 2 1/2 gallon container of Yucca standing by. There was food everywhere, and everywhere you looked, there seemed to be another rat-dog the size of one of my bowel movements.
If that cell phone anecdote gave you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, take that feeling, stretch it out all night, and that was the party. Hey, anytime there's naked people jumping in a near-freezing pool, good times aren't far away. Around midnight, there seemed to be a lot of people who we were explaining hashing to, and it turns out they were some drunks from across the street. And by across the street, I mean this dude's house who lives on the river and has an outside bar. Can you say Ending for a Float?
Ruby Relaxers rock. There might be some of you who think they're too "girly," but if you're also playing beer pong with straight manly Yucca, it sort of balances out.
We're flash-forwarding to Trail now, because I said so. Sunday 1500hrs. The start was off Raeford, I believe. There was railroad tracks, and 1/4 of the trail smelled like a natural gas leak. That might be enough of a clue for some of you. County Services blah blah blah maybe. This was where more Yucca was consumed. Anyway, TN, Cunt, Red Breast and Keyless laid trail, and for about 24 hours, I had heard people say that it was going to be short because "the girls were laying it." Um, no. If they made it long to prove everyone wrong... good. There was three beers stops and a good amount of shiggy. At one point, a check had us baffled, and with everyone milling around, I decided to follow the last mark we saw, which was at a tunnel under a street. I trudged through water up to my thighs to get to the other side. Once there, I realized that the last mark we saw was seriously the last mark. But how can you regret doing a tunnel, especially when you get to the other side and see a drainage pipe with icicles hanging below it? Oh, did I forget to mention it was freaking COLD out? There was a check about 1/2 mile from the start/end, and as five of us continued along on trail, I noticed the rest of the pack decided to shortcut. But I don't roll that way. So for all but four of you, here's what you missed: SHIGGY. Forest, a dried-out creek bed, briars, etc. Gotta love Etc. I was Drunk Trasher to a virgin for this trail, and he ran the whole thing in shorts and a tank top. He was shivering at the start, and the cool-downs at the beer stops seemed to be hurting him a little. Suggestion: Clothes with more fabric. After the five of us got through the shiggy, we hit a check at a CSX Railroad building that confused us just long enough to get stopped by a slow-moving train. My virgin decides to jump on the train, in front of the frumpy CSX guy. Not too bright. While Mister Frumpy stomped closer, and my virgin's co-virgin/friend tried to get him down, the rest of us bolted down the street. Once we were all back together, we boxed our way back to the end. As soon as we got there, circle commenced immediately.
Of note at circle: It's a little surreal traveling more than 350 miles to get to trail and then not having to do a visitor down-down. I'd have to say it's almost as enjoyable as beer, and almost as pleasurable as anything that vibrates.
May the Hash Get a Piece
My cell phone, Saturday night: Ring.
Me, carefully shifting my mug between hands so I can answer and not spill precious beer: Hello?
Spooge: Hey, does Bagless drive a blue van with handicap plates?
Me: Yeah, why?
Spooge: Does he drive a blue van with an On-On sticker and Cobb County plates?
Me: He would probably be the only person on the planet who drives that. I hope that's a Trash sticker. Where are you?
Spooge: In Alabama on I-20. I might be behind him. He's driving really fast.
Me: You don't have his number?
Spooge: No.
Me: I'll call you back.
Me, pushing phone buttons with super-human retard strength: Bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop.
Fag Hag, answering Bagless' phone: Hey, [unprintable nerd name]
Me: Yay! Hey, where are you right now?
Fag Hag: In Alabama on I-20. We're coming back from a game.
Me: Well slow down so Spooge can say Hi to you.
Fag Hag: Oh, so HE'S the lunatic behind us.
Me: Yeah. And you know I'm playing middle man from Fayetteville right now. Sweet.
Fucking-A sweet is right. Helping Trashers verbally canoodle at Interstate off-ramps, one gulp of beer at a time.
We got to Trashville about 2pm on Saturday afternoon. Those us with boobs went to Tang's baby shower. And for those of you living under a rock, that's Spooge's better half, and she's almost ready to pop. Those of us without boobs stayed at Tripple Nipple and Yucca's house, warming up the beer pong table. We also did what guys normally do when someone lights a fire at a fire pit: We stand around it and say "Yup" a lot. We were on our 3,539th Yup when the girls started arriving. Now that everyone was together, we were all focused on one goal: Getting fucked up as a way to welcum back Yucca from Afghanistan. I had just learned to count to Two, and that came in handy because that's how many kegs we had at our disposal. Then I had to learn fractions real quick because there was a 2 1/2 gallon container of Yucca standing by. There was food everywhere, and everywhere you looked, there seemed to be another rat-dog the size of one of my bowel movements.
If that cell phone anecdote gave you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, take that feeling, stretch it out all night, and that was the party. Hey, anytime there's naked people jumping in a near-freezing pool, good times aren't far away. Around midnight, there seemed to be a lot of people who we were explaining hashing to, and it turns out they were some drunks from across the street. And by across the street, I mean this dude's house who lives on the river and has an outside bar. Can you say Ending for a Float?
Ruby Relaxers rock. There might be some of you who think they're too "girly," but if you're also playing beer pong with straight manly Yucca, it sort of balances out.
We're flash-forwarding to Trail now, because I said so. Sunday 1500hrs. The start was off Raeford, I believe. There was railroad tracks, and 1/4 of the trail smelled like a natural gas leak. That might be enough of a clue for some of you. County Services blah blah blah maybe. This was where more Yucca was consumed. Anyway, TN, Cunt, Red Breast and Keyless laid trail, and for about 24 hours, I had heard people say that it was going to be short because "the girls were laying it." Um, no. If they made it long to prove everyone wrong... good. There was three beers stops and a good amount of shiggy. At one point, a check had us baffled, and with everyone milling around, I decided to follow the last mark we saw, which was at a tunnel under a street. I trudged through water up to my thighs to get to the other side. Once there, I realized that the last mark we saw was seriously the last mark. But how can you regret doing a tunnel, especially when you get to the other side and see a drainage pipe with icicles hanging below it? Oh, did I forget to mention it was freaking COLD out? There was a check about 1/2 mile from the start/end, and as five of us continued along on trail, I noticed the rest of the pack decided to shortcut. But I don't roll that way. So for all but four of you, here's what you missed: SHIGGY. Forest, a dried-out creek bed, briars, etc. Gotta love Etc. I was Drunk Trasher to a virgin for this trail, and he ran the whole thing in shorts and a tank top. He was shivering at the start, and the cool-downs at the beer stops seemed to be hurting him a little. Suggestion: Clothes with more fabric. After the five of us got through the shiggy, we hit a check at a CSX Railroad building that confused us just long enough to get stopped by a slow-moving train. My virgin decides to jump on the train, in front of the frumpy CSX guy. Not too bright. While Mister Frumpy stomped closer, and my virgin's co-virgin/friend tried to get him down, the rest of us bolted down the street. Once we were all back together, we boxed our way back to the end. As soon as we got there, circle commenced immediately.
Of note at circle: It's a little surreal traveling more than 350 miles to get to trail and then not having to do a visitor down-down. I'd have to say it's almost as enjoyable as beer, and almost as pleasurable as anything that vibrates.
May the Hash Get a Piece
# posted by L&F @ 11:43 PM 
