05 November 2005
50. Road Whoring: Year Two
Shitloads of H3’s - May 2004 to May 2005
L&F's TOP TEN MOMENTS OF YEAR TWO
10 - Charlotte's Hurts So Good Hash - 18 Sept 04 to 19 Sept 04
A hash event with S&M included? Where do I sign up? As it turns out, Red Breast and I didn't sign up. Bad mistake. But we decided to drive up at the last minute to check out everything as the dust was settling. When we walked up the driveway to the garage we noticed various torture devices that people had been strapped to. The first person to notice me was a highly intoxicated Slappy, who had refused to go but was abducted by hashers, forced into a car and driven to the event against his will. He ran up to me and screamed: "Dude, L&F! I just got my nipples clamped and my ball sack whipped!" Pain is good.
Hash Hosts: Bucket Slut and Deposit Only. Honorable Mention: Shappens for throwing out tons of cash for the booze.
9 - Tidewater Trail - 9 Sept 04
I pulled up to the start of Tidewater's Thursday night trail in Virginia Beach hardly knowing anyone. I stood at the outskirts of the pack while waiting for trail to start, looking sort of... um... Lost. That's when I heard a member of mismanagement yelling to a virgin couple saying that new people weren't allowed to stand around with their thumbs up their asses. That was all the motivation I needed, and ended up acting like a moron until the on-out. Soon everyone knew who I was and they even gave me a re-naming for the day: Donnie the Retard. I constantly got called up to drink during circle, and inadvertently became one of the centers of attention by mystifying people with random Retard(ed) comments and Acts of Super-Human Retard Strength.
Hash host: Laa Laa, who had the best explanation for this phenomenon I've ever heard. "When you're a visitor, you're a NOVELTY." Translation: Take advantage of your visitor status. Honorable Mention: Everyone, since this is a hash that likes songs, and loves it when visitors sing new ones. They even paid attention during the now-infamous "Three-Minute Song."
8 - Black Sheep Trail - 6 March 05
In my book, this was Trail of the Year. GE and Wine Ho laid a live trail that kicked the shit out of many of us, and impressed the shit out of even more. The start was off I-575, exit 8, and most of the trail cut through land owned by the Army Corps of Engineers just to the east of Lake Allatoona. Practically every Black Sheep trail is quality-laden, and what made this one exceptional was the scenery. The scope of everything was huge, including massive flood plains, lung-busting hills and expansive rocky river banks. At one point, another hound and I stopped dead in our tracks to stare at a sprawling mud flat laid out in front of us. His response: "My God, this is epic." Why am I proud to have a name supplied by Black Sheep hashers? It's because of days like this.
7 - Biloxi Trail - 2 Oct 04
This hash and on-after is what every Road Whore dreams of. Well, minus the cluster-fuck of a trail. But even that was forgivable, considering a decent portion of the trail, including the start, was at the beach. Everyone who showed up was exceptionally hashpitable and entertaining. At the same time, they tolerated me like champions as I took over the warm up and hijacked circle. The on-in was at a park, and we sat there for hours next to a keg getting lit. To top it off, everyone was acting like lunatics, making this one of the most hilarious hashes I have ever attended. Want to know what's behind the 4-foot zipper? Drive to Biloxi.
Hash Host: Porkymon, who is giving Dirve (OrlandoH3) competition as owner of the best modern-day Hash House, which includes a fully-stocked bar and screened-in patio with hot tub. Don't forget to peek into his extra room to check out all the dresses, costumes, hash-related goodies and Halloween decorations. I'm going to be stealing that foam alien, bro. Honorable Mention: Burnin' Bush for passing out in the sitting position during dinner at the on-after.
[Update, 17 Sept 05: Porkymon’s house was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. He lived a half-mile from the bay, and the 20-foot storm surge put his entire house underwater, roof and all. He lost almost everything, including all his hash-related and Halloween-related paraphernalia. The dollar amount makes me dizzy. Contact me if you want to donate any hash items that I can send his way. He’d appreciate it. -L&F]
6 - Trash Haring - 14 Nov 04
We started the weekend in Raleigh on Friday night, hashed with G-Spot in Greensboro on Saturday, then drove to Fayetteville where Red Breast and I were the Hares of Record for the Trash on Sunday afternoon. Spooge Bob Shit Pants and Tonsil Tang gave us a bar next to Fort Bragg as the start and end, and told us where the shiggy was. After some quick car-scouting, the path for trail was essentially a no-brainer since there were very limited ways to connect the pieces of shiggy for an A-to-A loop. Did I say "no-brainer"? Oops. Maybe I need to mention the painfully-long portion of trail we needed to struggle through along a fence separating us from Bragg. The briars there amazingly thick, and stretched over our heads. At one point, I was practically hanging from the vines with briars cutting into my legs, arms and face. I remember looking at an equally tangled Red Breast and heard myself asking "What the hell are we going to do?" Somehow we extracted ourselves, finished scouting and made it back to the start just before people started arriving. For fear of a Hashit, I threw down my stuff and ran back through the briar patch, stomping down as many vines as I could. I made it back with just 10 minutes to spare before the hounds were going to leave. I threw on my packpack full of flour and TP and took off once again. How close was I to getting snared? The FRB came in less than 20 seconds after I did.
Hash Host: Cinco de Layo. Honorable Mention: MC, who didn't have to open her house on Saturday night, but has proven herself time and time again for being one of the best hash hosts ever. Also Spooge and Tang for taking care of the hares and Trashy Transvestite for swallowing a used condom he found at one of our beer stops.
5 - Black Rock Campout - 18 Mar 05 to 20 Mar 05
If I was only able to do one Atlanta event every year, the Black Sheep campout at Black Rock Mountain would be it. And it keeps getting better. This year, we had better beer, a Shooting Star Hash and Chili Cookoff Friday night and yet another lung-busting trail Saturday afternoon. I passed out after gorging myself on pig and beer Saturday evening, but woke up around midnight to a group of drunk hashers (is that redundant?) singing with a synchronicity and clarity that approached perfection. I walked to the fire carrying my headlamp in one hand and my mug in the other. The group, which would end up being The Last People Standing, saw a pair of legs approaching and I heard someone say "Uh oh, here's someone that's going to be shutting us up." I got to the benches around the fire to see Bwana and company doing their best to kill another keg, and Ho Checka guzzling Jameson straight from the bottle. My comment: "I passed out earlier and just woke up to one of the most amazing renditions of "More Beer" I've ever heard. So I thought I'd get up and get drunk." Cheers were heard, rumors were spread and a good time was had by all. This would end up being the highlight of the weekend. As a bonus, the late-night pack was motivated enough to move the block of ice and officially rename Ho Checka. Sing it along with me, people: "Surly... Surly Temple... Queen of the Wild Front Queers." It never gets old.
Honorable Mention: Sani and everyone else who makes this event happen. And to Bwana, who makes sure I get a rego every year, even though I'm such a pathetic backslider.
4 - SoCo Haring - 18 June 04
This is a tale of me getting lucky. (Insert your own joke here.) I took a break from traveling after NC/SC 2004 and spent the next three months hashing with Southern Comfort every Friday night. Out of guilt for more than three full years of SoCo slacking, I finally signed up for a trail and scouted until my feet bled. And it paid off. Although I got snared three times, I was able to keep most of the pack at bay with only a five-minute he*d start and without throwing down impossible checks or prelaid YBF's. Then during circle, Harelips stunned me with the highest honor you can get as a Southern Comfort hasher: He presented me with a Bungholer Award, typically given to hashers who are instrumental in the success of Southern Comfort and who help uphold its traditions. Example: "When you come to a creek, get in the creek, stay in the creek." It was because of this trail and the responses I got that helped motivate me to start haring out of town.
Epilogue: My first haring outside Atlanta was in Charlotte about a month later, and I laid it in the name of Southern Comfort Hash House Harriers. And how did the Charlotte hounds fare? I hurt them. All but one bailed out at the beer stop. Hash Hosts: Spitzer and Miss Charlotte. Honorable Mention: Goth, who was the brave soul who finished the trail. You da' man.
3 - Savannah Haring - 15 Jan 05
I'll say it until I die... Atlanta has the best hares and the best trails. There are very few cities out there that like shiggy as much as Atlanta, and Savannahhh's one of them. So when I had the chance to hare a Saturday trail for them, I jumped at the chance. And the shiggy I found was close to orgasmic. Once again, Slip 'n Side volunteered to help me car scout. And once again, she helped cut down on scouting time by picking me up in her car at various points along the trail as I popped out of shiggy, soaking-wet and muddy. The goal was to erase as much assfault as possible, while pushing the length to 4 miles and finding the perfect area for the beer stop... all in record time. And once again, I got really lucky. A huge group turned out, and I was totally flattered with how appreciative they were, both when they trickled in and during circle. For those of you who have never hashed in Savannah, that's a great group of people.
Hash Hosts: Slip's parents. Honorable Mention: GladHeAteHer for giving me the ceremonial hashit and allowing me to drink my fill from that skanky rubber plunger without having to lug the whole thing home.
2 - Charleston Haring - 18 Feb 05 to 20 Feb 05
If that was a perfect day in Savannah, the trip to Charleston turned out to be a perfect weekend. Becoming a live hare for a hash I've never been to before was enough of a draw. But to top it off, Shit Happens somehow managed to rewrite the playbook for Hashpotality, and he made it look easy. We got two tours of the area, a pub crawl Friday night and food all weekend. He even got people to drive in from out of town, including the world-famous Jack Off. I also experienced something new: Phone Scouting. I left Shappens' house about four hours before the Happy Heretics H3 start time in an attempt to piece together a 4-5 mile loop, and I called him about once every mile so he could help me figure out where to go and get me out of binds. Along the way, I ran into the most dangerous pungee sticks I've ever seen, a bum hiding out deep in the shiggy who described himself as a "forestry engineer" and a former Pensacola hasher whose marriage and kids forced her to give up her combo running-and-drinking habit. ("Well, hey, can I defile your house with flour when I run back through here?") But the trail wasn't the big deal this time around. It was the fact that the planets ended up aligning at the exact time everyone got to the on-in at Shappens' back deck. Holy Mother of God. Everyone in attendance was in rare form, and the one-liners came at a dizzying pace... not just before circle, and not just during circle, but for HOURS... continuing through dinner and through the rowdy party that ensued. There was beer, three-man, beer and three-man, homemade shooters and even a little (real) absinthe. We left Sunday afternoon after a fantastic brunch complete with oyster shooters made by a champion oyster shucker. Sweet.
Hash Host: The guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. Honorable Mention: Ear of the Sperm, who might have the quickest wit in the History of Ever. Amkneesia for bringing even more people. And Little Crack Porn, who drove up from Savannah to add to the frivolity.
1 - Charlotte Haring - 30 Jan 05
This trip was technically extra credit, since we were driving home from Triangle's Analversary in Raleigh. Slip and I got to Charlotte early enough to do some last-minute scouting before trail, which was starting and ending at Hollow Beaver's house. I was the "Mystery Hare" and a few people who saw me at the start were a little worried about what would ensue (See the Epilogue in #4.) But I had learned my lesson, and made sure to give the Charlotte lovelies the correct level of shiggy. Entertainment on trail: Snow. More entertainment on trail: For the first time, I laid part of a trail live in an area I had never scouted. I'd be scared to death to do that in a huge piece of shiggy, but when the forest is surrounded by street grids and an easily-assessable train track, the odds of failure are low. And it was quite a rush. Trail was a little long, but everyone was nice when they came in. Then came circle, and the reason this made Number One: I got adopted. Spitzer and Miss Charlotte bought me a Happi Coat and had this embroidered on the front: CLTH3 - Lost and Fucked - Adopted 2004. I'm not sentimental often, but spank my ass and call me speechless, that's the shit.
Hash Host: Hollow Beaver and her gorgeous hash dog Shits 'n Runs. Honorable Mention: Lobster (who I think has 5 hash names by now), for providing an insane amount of entertainment as the Charlotte RA. Long-term Honorable Mention: Miss Spitzer Swallows and Mister Miss Charlotte for taking care of me from my first trip up there, when I timidly snuck into their house for the 2003 Christmas Party. Thanks guys. Hopefully I'm loud enough now.
Until next time,
Kisses and FYYFF's
-L&F
L&F's TOP TEN MOMENTS OF YEAR TWO
10 - Charlotte's Hurts So Good Hash - 18 Sept 04 to 19 Sept 04
A hash event with S&M included? Where do I sign up? As it turns out, Red Breast and I didn't sign up. Bad mistake. But we decided to drive up at the last minute to check out everything as the dust was settling. When we walked up the driveway to the garage we noticed various torture devices that people had been strapped to. The first person to notice me was a highly intoxicated Slappy, who had refused to go but was abducted by hashers, forced into a car and driven to the event against his will. He ran up to me and screamed: "Dude, L&F! I just got my nipples clamped and my ball sack whipped!" Pain is good.
Hash Hosts: Bucket Slut and Deposit Only. Honorable Mention: Shappens for throwing out tons of cash for the booze.
9 - Tidewater Trail - 9 Sept 04
I pulled up to the start of Tidewater's Thursday night trail in Virginia Beach hardly knowing anyone. I stood at the outskirts of the pack while waiting for trail to start, looking sort of... um... Lost. That's when I heard a member of mismanagement yelling to a virgin couple saying that new people weren't allowed to stand around with their thumbs up their asses. That was all the motivation I needed, and ended up acting like a moron until the on-out. Soon everyone knew who I was and they even gave me a re-naming for the day: Donnie the Retard. I constantly got called up to drink during circle, and inadvertently became one of the centers of attention by mystifying people with random Retard(ed) comments and Acts of Super-Human Retard Strength.
Hash host: Laa Laa, who had the best explanation for this phenomenon I've ever heard. "When you're a visitor, you're a NOVELTY." Translation: Take advantage of your visitor status. Honorable Mention: Everyone, since this is a hash that likes songs, and loves it when visitors sing new ones. They even paid attention during the now-infamous "Three-Minute Song."
8 - Black Sheep Trail - 6 March 05
In my book, this was Trail of the Year. GE and Wine Ho laid a live trail that kicked the shit out of many of us, and impressed the shit out of even more. The start was off I-575, exit 8, and most of the trail cut through land owned by the Army Corps of Engineers just to the east of Lake Allatoona. Practically every Black Sheep trail is quality-laden, and what made this one exceptional was the scenery. The scope of everything was huge, including massive flood plains, lung-busting hills and expansive rocky river banks. At one point, another hound and I stopped dead in our tracks to stare at a sprawling mud flat laid out in front of us. His response: "My God, this is epic." Why am I proud to have a name supplied by Black Sheep hashers? It's because of days like this.
7 - Biloxi Trail - 2 Oct 04
This hash and on-after is what every Road Whore dreams of. Well, minus the cluster-fuck of a trail. But even that was forgivable, considering a decent portion of the trail, including the start, was at the beach. Everyone who showed up was exceptionally hashpitable and entertaining. At the same time, they tolerated me like champions as I took over the warm up and hijacked circle. The on-in was at a park, and we sat there for hours next to a keg getting lit. To top it off, everyone was acting like lunatics, making this one of the most hilarious hashes I have ever attended. Want to know what's behind the 4-foot zipper? Drive to Biloxi.
Hash Host: Porkymon, who is giving Dirve (OrlandoH3) competition as owner of the best modern-day Hash House, which includes a fully-stocked bar and screened-in patio with hot tub. Don't forget to peek into his extra room to check out all the dresses, costumes, hash-related goodies and Halloween decorations. I'm going to be stealing that foam alien, bro. Honorable Mention: Burnin' Bush for passing out in the sitting position during dinner at the on-after.
[Update, 17 Sept 05: Porkymon’s house was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. He lived a half-mile from the bay, and the 20-foot storm surge put his entire house underwater, roof and all. He lost almost everything, including all his hash-related and Halloween-related paraphernalia. The dollar amount makes me dizzy. Contact me if you want to donate any hash items that I can send his way. He’d appreciate it. -L&F]
6 - Trash Haring - 14 Nov 04
We started the weekend in Raleigh on Friday night, hashed with G-Spot in Greensboro on Saturday, then drove to Fayetteville where Red Breast and I were the Hares of Record for the Trash on Sunday afternoon. Spooge Bob Shit Pants and Tonsil Tang gave us a bar next to Fort Bragg as the start and end, and told us where the shiggy was. After some quick car-scouting, the path for trail was essentially a no-brainer since there were very limited ways to connect the pieces of shiggy for an A-to-A loop. Did I say "no-brainer"? Oops. Maybe I need to mention the painfully-long portion of trail we needed to struggle through along a fence separating us from Bragg. The briars there amazingly thick, and stretched over our heads. At one point, I was practically hanging from the vines with briars cutting into my legs, arms and face. I remember looking at an equally tangled Red Breast and heard myself asking "What the hell are we going to do?" Somehow we extracted ourselves, finished scouting and made it back to the start just before people started arriving. For fear of a Hashit, I threw down my stuff and ran back through the briar patch, stomping down as many vines as I could. I made it back with just 10 minutes to spare before the hounds were going to leave. I threw on my packpack full of flour and TP and took off once again. How close was I to getting snared? The FRB came in less than 20 seconds after I did.
Hash Host: Cinco de Layo. Honorable Mention: MC, who didn't have to open her house on Saturday night, but has proven herself time and time again for being one of the best hash hosts ever. Also Spooge and Tang for taking care of the hares and Trashy Transvestite for swallowing a used condom he found at one of our beer stops.
5 - Black Rock Campout - 18 Mar 05 to 20 Mar 05
If I was only able to do one Atlanta event every year, the Black Sheep campout at Black Rock Mountain would be it. And it keeps getting better. This year, we had better beer, a Shooting Star Hash and Chili Cookoff Friday night and yet another lung-busting trail Saturday afternoon. I passed out after gorging myself on pig and beer Saturday evening, but woke up around midnight to a group of drunk hashers (is that redundant?) singing with a synchronicity and clarity that approached perfection. I walked to the fire carrying my headlamp in one hand and my mug in the other. The group, which would end up being The Last People Standing, saw a pair of legs approaching and I heard someone say "Uh oh, here's someone that's going to be shutting us up." I got to the benches around the fire to see Bwana and company doing their best to kill another keg, and Ho Checka guzzling Jameson straight from the bottle. My comment: "I passed out earlier and just woke up to one of the most amazing renditions of "More Beer" I've ever heard. So I thought I'd get up and get drunk." Cheers were heard, rumors were spread and a good time was had by all. This would end up being the highlight of the weekend. As a bonus, the late-night pack was motivated enough to move the block of ice and officially rename Ho Checka. Sing it along with me, people: "Surly... Surly Temple... Queen of the Wild Front Queers." It never gets old.
Honorable Mention: Sani and everyone else who makes this event happen. And to Bwana, who makes sure I get a rego every year, even though I'm such a pathetic backslider.
4 - SoCo Haring - 18 June 04
This is a tale of me getting lucky. (Insert your own joke here.) I took a break from traveling after NC/SC 2004 and spent the next three months hashing with Southern Comfort every Friday night. Out of guilt for more than three full years of SoCo slacking, I finally signed up for a trail and scouted until my feet bled. And it paid off. Although I got snared three times, I was able to keep most of the pack at bay with only a five-minute he*d start and without throwing down impossible checks or prelaid YBF's. Then during circle, Harelips stunned me with the highest honor you can get as a Southern Comfort hasher: He presented me with a Bungholer Award, typically given to hashers who are instrumental in the success of Southern Comfort and who help uphold its traditions. Example: "When you come to a creek, get in the creek, stay in the creek." It was because of this trail and the responses I got that helped motivate me to start haring out of town.
Epilogue: My first haring outside Atlanta was in Charlotte about a month later, and I laid it in the name of Southern Comfort Hash House Harriers. And how did the Charlotte hounds fare? I hurt them. All but one bailed out at the beer stop. Hash Hosts: Spitzer and Miss Charlotte. Honorable Mention: Goth, who was the brave soul who finished the trail. You da' man.
3 - Savannah Haring - 15 Jan 05
I'll say it until I die... Atlanta has the best hares and the best trails. There are very few cities out there that like shiggy as much as Atlanta, and Savannahhh's one of them. So when I had the chance to hare a Saturday trail for them, I jumped at the chance. And the shiggy I found was close to orgasmic. Once again, Slip 'n Side volunteered to help me car scout. And once again, she helped cut down on scouting time by picking me up in her car at various points along the trail as I popped out of shiggy, soaking-wet and muddy. The goal was to erase as much assfault as possible, while pushing the length to 4 miles and finding the perfect area for the beer stop... all in record time. And once again, I got really lucky. A huge group turned out, and I was totally flattered with how appreciative they were, both when they trickled in and during circle. For those of you who have never hashed in Savannah, that's a great group of people.
Hash Hosts: Slip's parents. Honorable Mention: GladHeAteHer for giving me the ceremonial hashit and allowing me to drink my fill from that skanky rubber plunger without having to lug the whole thing home.
2 - Charleston Haring - 18 Feb 05 to 20 Feb 05
If that was a perfect day in Savannah, the trip to Charleston turned out to be a perfect weekend. Becoming a live hare for a hash I've never been to before was enough of a draw. But to top it off, Shit Happens somehow managed to rewrite the playbook for Hashpotality, and he made it look easy. We got two tours of the area, a pub crawl Friday night and food all weekend. He even got people to drive in from out of town, including the world-famous Jack Off. I also experienced something new: Phone Scouting. I left Shappens' house about four hours before the Happy Heretics H3 start time in an attempt to piece together a 4-5 mile loop, and I called him about once every mile so he could help me figure out where to go and get me out of binds. Along the way, I ran into the most dangerous pungee sticks I've ever seen, a bum hiding out deep in the shiggy who described himself as a "forestry engineer" and a former Pensacola hasher whose marriage and kids forced her to give up her combo running-and-drinking habit. ("Well, hey, can I defile your house with flour when I run back through here?") But the trail wasn't the big deal this time around. It was the fact that the planets ended up aligning at the exact time everyone got to the on-in at Shappens' back deck. Holy Mother of God. Everyone in attendance was in rare form, and the one-liners came at a dizzying pace... not just before circle, and not just during circle, but for HOURS... continuing through dinner and through the rowdy party that ensued. There was beer, three-man, beer and three-man, homemade shooters and even a little (real) absinthe. We left Sunday afternoon after a fantastic brunch complete with oyster shooters made by a champion oyster shucker. Sweet.
Hash Host: The guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. Honorable Mention: Ear of the Sperm, who might have the quickest wit in the History of Ever. Amkneesia for bringing even more people. And Little Crack Porn, who drove up from Savannah to add to the frivolity.
1 - Charlotte Haring - 30 Jan 05
This trip was technically extra credit, since we were driving home from Triangle's Analversary in Raleigh. Slip and I got to Charlotte early enough to do some last-minute scouting before trail, which was starting and ending at Hollow Beaver's house. I was the "Mystery Hare" and a few people who saw me at the start were a little worried about what would ensue (See the Epilogue in #4.) But I had learned my lesson, and made sure to give the Charlotte lovelies the correct level of shiggy. Entertainment on trail: Snow. More entertainment on trail: For the first time, I laid part of a trail live in an area I had never scouted. I'd be scared to death to do that in a huge piece of shiggy, but when the forest is surrounded by street grids and an easily-assessable train track, the odds of failure are low. And it was quite a rush. Trail was a little long, but everyone was nice when they came in. Then came circle, and the reason this made Number One: I got adopted. Spitzer and Miss Charlotte bought me a Happi Coat and had this embroidered on the front: CLTH3 - Lost and Fucked - Adopted 2004. I'm not sentimental often, but spank my ass and call me speechless, that's the shit.
Hash Host: Hollow Beaver and her gorgeous hash dog Shits 'n Runs. Honorable Mention: Lobster (who I think has 5 hash names by now), for providing an insane amount of entertainment as the Charlotte RA. Long-term Honorable Mention: Miss Spitzer Swallows and Mister Miss Charlotte for taking care of me from my first trip up there, when I timidly snuck into their house for the 2003 Christmas Party. Thanks guys. Hopefully I'm loud enough now.
Until next time,
Kisses and FYYFF's
-L&F
# posted by L&F @ 6:28 PM 
